Ummm, yeah, its been a while.... :)

i have actually moved to myspace/blogspot (i follow the crowd, i know)

my new info is:

http://www.myspace.com/presenteternity

or

http://presenteternity.blogspot.com/ 

so check me out there...

peace out, xanga friends!!

long conversations with old friends bring about a sort of clarity which you cannot quite define. Like looking at a mirror from your childhood bathroom again, seeing both the self you were and the self you are now. I am not sure how my oldest friends eyes viewed me for so many years and still want to look at me. but i like when she sees me and still has so much to say.

where am I going, i wonder so often. I am a pre-emptive junky. Contemplating my future and anticipating whats next are my drugs of choice and the withdrawls are killing me. I don't think i would be able to stop wondering and anticipating if I didn't have people cornering me and confronting me at every turn. Or a large hand shoving me off that well-paved road. i also wonder quite frequently what it will take for me to wrench myself out of this comfortable holding pattern onto the real journey, the adventure i brag about desiring but don't pursue.

"fall in love and hold nothing back from me.... "

Currently Reading Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business By Neil Postman see related

I am really happy right now. Truly, really very happy. Or full of joy... i think happiness is a lot more bipolar than joy. Happiness seems too conditional and on the edge, too sought after and often temporary. Joy, though many times conditional, build and strengthens you each time you experience it. Its like calcium, or something, some sort of substance that when collected over time makes what it collects on stronger and better. Joy has been lining my heart and makes it stronger each time it is felt deep down and this is one of those times. I could hit the pillow now, it would be wise since i havent slept much and i am trying to recover from a nasty cold and i have to go to work tomorrow and make it count, but i just can’t pass up this chance to really record this joy. Maybe in capturing it at its prime, this joy will last longer, or line better or just be felt deeper than i even know. Even if it doesn’t, its worth it to try and work out the writing muscle which has been so flabby as of late.

Reasons for joy

1. U2.... oh crap, why? WHY? ... adjectives just suck right now. Graceful. Easy. Full. Tearful. Dynamic. Complex. Classy. Simple and Astounding at once. Thoughtful. Subtle, but unmistakable. It was my first time tonight, and there is too much to say. Its sort of like I can’t capture why it was so good. You know a band is good when you see them live and can’t seem to shake how it made you feel... not a temporary high... a slow burn that will last a while. And after being there and hearing the music, the words, the SOUL of it all, it makes other music better, like it woke up parts of your music hearing brain and now they are working better than before. A tune up for your ears. Gas in the engine for my soul. A spiritual experience.
2. Houses... I get to live with a rad couple of ladies coming up soon. I love that we get to start looking for places and that there are so many possibilities. I love that i get to take advantage of Ikea’s cheap stuff and that i am living with such amazing people. I love how the most stressful aspect of moving out that i was worried over is the one thing that is most secure: the people! I love that i get emails from my soon to be roomie, who i thought would never want to even hang out with me cause she is so stinkin hip and now we are living together soon and she actually wants to live with me! I love that one of these ladies is so ridiculously talented and that i get to hear her singing and playing piano on a regular basis come august (i hope! I hope!)
3. I love copeland’s new album... it gets better every time i hear it and U2’s tune up make my ears for it even more sweet.
4. My cat... is sitting in my lap and though he is old, with no claws, hardly any teeth, no meow (he is a mute cat, which i think would be a good band name) and clumps of hair falling out, he is the most regal feline i have seen, and his eyes are more beautiful than gold and i am the one he loves over everyone in the house.
5. Having a break from VFC... made me love it even more. I love it. I love our church. Not the building, the people. I LOVE YOU VFC. I love you.
6. Praying in the car at sunset
7. Tears where it was numb for so long.
8. Being someone’s lovely. Hearing words I know are true. Long hugs. Calls just to say that one thing. Sopas. Blankets. Discussions. Embarrassing secrets being told. Legs and arms and heads all tangled up. Smoothies. Passion about life. Having hope where there doesn’t seem to be any left. The unknown. Kisses on the forehead. Feeling like falling is not too far from here.
9. Waking the Dead. The song and the book.
10. Reading blogs of people i respect and seeing them as people and fallible and wonderful and inspiring and on the level all at once.
11. Writing. Writing, writing, writing.
12. Warm feet cause i have a heater on next to me.
13. Inside jokes and quotes and life and funny things and nicknames that all blend together and become funny to only those few people who see you all the time and know all the different faces of your life. You know who you are. I like you both. SO much.
14. Eating at restaurants and making friends with the wait-person. Having a friend who eats your leftovers, oh man, I LOVE THAT
15. Bad horror movies late at night with good people, junk food and the purpose of distracting a hard working friend for a few hours.
16. Soft tissues when you are sick.
17. My bed. Joy. Simple joy
18. God’s grace in helping me save money and his provision through my family.
19. The peace that is beyond words or reason
20. Copeland is still going. LOVE IS A FAST SONG
21. The future. Like walking into a dark room, its scary, unknown, exciting and something you can only do by walking forward... yuck, that metaphor sucks, but its the truest one i can think of.
22. My job... that i get to work with such people in such a place at such a time as this. It’s unbelievable.
23. Warm sun on my back porch with hot soup and a cat nuzzling at my feet and good juice and feeling my skin being washed over with rays and light.
24. Listing why i am joyful.
25. Text messages from loyal friends
26. Knowing that these moments exist not because i deserve them, but because of grace.
27. Books, and quotes and wisdom and ideas and thoughts and discussions and debates and knowledge
28. Knowing that all knowledge will ultimately fall away
29. Facing a nameless fear, naked without any visible protection... a hope and a faith which cannot be seen or measured or known fully except in glimpses and moments and seconds and glances and feelings for which there is no description
30. Raspy voices from yelling too loudly and a week of sick.
31. Stumbling after God.
32. Doing all the right things and feeling nothing, but then doing nothing and feeling everything, then also wanting to do right and then getting inklings of that feeling and then existing between all of those and knowing that no formula will ever make complete sense and that you just have to keep going.
33. Knowing i could keep going and that more will come.
34. Having people read what you writes because somehow it validates you, even if its just one.

Thanks. Make a list of where there is joy in your life. It helps.

Currently Playing How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb By U2 see related

I don’t really know anymore. Is it even possible? What gets me, first, is how insignificant my words are in comparison to how it feels. I have come to appreciate greatly the ability of others to formulate such pitch perfect descriptions of life in such few words and with so little effort. Or with what seems like such little effort. I think it’s hilarious how little I write, but how much i expect of my rarely exercised “gift” ... like somehow, whenever I am in the mood and have the time and energy, i expect all this gold to come from my fingers like its so overflowing from me that it only makes sense to have it poured onto paper and into the ears of your reading eyes.

I am sorry, I really am. Is it even worth it? What confuses me most, mostly, is how such amazing moments occur all around me, all the time, and I am just selfishly letting them wash over me and be taken in and then forgetting they happened or letting them be forgotten by my wandering mind by not giving them some time to be written down. ... like somehow the world is a show for me to watch and experience, to laugh at and fall in love with, to be inspired by and think intently about. But what is this in me?? What is it? I must write, I must write and write and write, but i don’t and can’t... there is this gray spot, the fuzzy zone, the moment i get into it, i am off the radar, undetected, lost.

I think its so much like trying to explain how I relate to God. I know the story of my faith, basically, and I know what it means to call myself a follower of Jesus. I know some of the arguments and reasons to believe what I do and I believe it’s the way to go, I mean, I work for a church, it must matter to me. But, in talking with anyone who is not in the circle of followers I know, I lose my words in trying to explain what it means to be in it with Him. Its like staring at the sun and then looking down onto a page and trying to read crisp clear Times New Roman paragraphs on white pages. I can tell there are letters and words and sentences, but i can’t quite read them, my sense are altered and I am disoriented, my eyes blurred. That’s how I feel the moment i try to tell someone how I talk to and hear from God, and its how i feel in trying to write for the past few years. All my communication has some sort of disconnect that i am not prepared to repair.

 Those closest to me even see it in my body language. Without me meaning to, I can be listening to a story or sitting in a meeting and suddenly everything in my physical body is speaking louder than my words. But I am not even aware of it, most times. Even with those closest, I am often left without words and my expressions don’t say what i am telling myself inside.

What to do then?  I will try to shut up and just start writing. I can only whine about my lack of communication for so long.

Ok, then. I must tell you all about the last few days.

Currently Playing Hide Nothing By Further Seems Forever light up ahead (i still need the acoustic version) see related

i have missed you xanga.

I miss those times of looking into the lives of others through my computer screen and understanding them for the moment they posted and for the moment i read.

i wish i were a better writer because i really do have a lot to say.

i am home, its 12:29am and i have so much to say.

there is a lot i want to do: mundane things, scrapbook, read more, pray more, clean something, maybe even work on some email stuff or work stuff.

fun stuff: discover new bands, look into dance/art classes, read the last 100 pages of eggers 2nd book, email back old friends, look up people on the internet, write letters, plan out my week.

why am i so undisciplined. instead of that, i listen to lemon jelly and type on my xanga site. laziness, why do you live in my room, in my downtime, in my schedule? why?

after college, you are supposed to enjoy reading for hours on end, develop your hobbies, be a productive human, embrace life.

but its as if my whole life is this amazing, complex paper waiting to be written, where i need to do more research, and more reading on it, and develop my thesis statement a bit, but i am paralyzed, making excuses for why i haven't even begun the rough draft yet.

ugh.

i am sure a good nights sleep and some motivation will help.

Currently Playing '64-'95 By Lemon Jelly see related